My Divorce from D,O,

To all who is reading this,

When I post, I usually talk about what's going in the world called Out There. I find out new information, read it, research and share it. That's what's supposed to happen.

Right?

So why am I so compelled to write about what's been going on with me all of a sudden? Because something's telling me that it would be one of the most healing moves to make for myself. I have depression and I have just begun to take Zoloft not too long ago--possibly about a month ago. Before that, I was not even myself--in fact, I was so paranoid I thought someone was outside my window trying to break in and rape me (now unless this phantom was the Ghetto Black Venom, it would be impossible to climb up to my second story window). But, since taking 25mg of my anti-depressant every night before bed, I haven't had any thoughts of super villain peeping toms or worse, thoughts of ending my life due to living everyday in a semi-vegged out state.

But today is different. No, I don't have thoughts of checking out, but the messages from what I call the Dark One are creeping up none the less. He tells me that I'm trying too hard to be what I'm wanting to be, which is happy. He's been telling me that no one wants to listen to me. That what I say or do for myself or anyone else is not even close to good enough. He tells me I should stay away from Out There because when people get close, they tend to disappear after they find out what a weird loser I am. Even as I write this, he is telling me that you would think I'm a psycho with too much time on her hands and you will run after reading this--if you read it at all.

The Dark One tells me a lot of messages: that I'm stupid, fat, ugly and clingy. "Who's wants that?" he tells me. "Who wants to walk down the aisle with a mess like you?" He tells these things and for years, I believed him. I believed for so long that his words are familiar and comforting in a sick way. And, as a result, I find myself debating people's personal opinions on Nerdfighters and Facebook. I've become increasing impatient and agitated with those who are trying to tell me the truth about myself, ready to verbally leap at them at my own defense because I believe I'm being psychoanalyzed. What frightens me the most is my reaction to personal relationships. Though I know "moving on" is a normal way of existence, I don't take it too well when people leave my life for whatever reason. It may not have anything to do with me, but the Dark One tells me I'm the reason. And I'll try to do everything to fix whatever "problem I caused." I've stayed in SO MANY traumatic relationships because this fear of being abandoned over and again.

I'm writing all this because this is what personal insanity is like. It is not fun and it's no different from riding on a old carnival ride that's about to collapse. And it has to stop. I have to stop. I want out!

I want a divorce.

The marriage between D.O. and I have reached to the point where it's sucking dry every bit of my spirit. He's abusive and demanding of my time. D.O. is the first one to tell me "I told you so" when something in my life falls through. He tells me he's only here to protect me when in actuality, he's making me and my depression worse. Because of him, I am not the woman I want to be--that positive light that people tend to look up to. My relationship with D.O. holds me back, however, and is almost no different from having an eating disorder.

So yes, I'm definitely ready to leave this hostage situation. It may not be easy, but I it has to be done. Not only do I want to be well, I want to be free.

And that's enough from the Unknown Planet.